Rape Survivors: How to Move on and Become Thrivers

Rape is forced and unwanted sexual intercourse that’s always a twisted power issue.

The victim can be female or male, although the stats show that it’s more often a female. (However, it’s also important to keep in mind that males are less likely to report an incident than females are, so the stats aren’t accurately reflecting reality.)

Rape is never an easy topic to discuss, especially when you’re the victim: “Will they blame me and think that I was ‘asking for it’?” “Will they believe me?” “Why did this happen to me?”

It isn’t any wonder why so many rapes go unreported. And the stats don’t sing any happy-hardcore tunes, either. Play the violins.

I Need It – Stat!

According to Helen Lenskyj in An Analysis of Violence Against Women: A Manual for Educators and Administrators, an insane 60% of Canadian college-aged males indicated that they’d commit sexual assault if they were certain they wouldn’t get caught! Glock that!

So for them, it seems that the crime is only deemed wrong if they suffer negative consequences. Oh how I’m reminded once more that we live in a fucked-up Me Generation.

Statistics Canada’s The Violence Against Women Survey indicated that 50% of all Canadian women experienced at least one incident of sexual or physical violence. Of those women, nearly 60% were victims of more than one of those incidents! What the glock?

Clearly if it’s been happening more than once, we need to examine why this is the case and we must teach women how to stand up for themselves and report these crimes to prevent them from happening again or we’ll just continue this sick cycle carousel.

Chances are that if you aren’t a victim yourself, you know someone who is. Despicable behaviour like rape or sexual assault shouldn’t be a hush-hush topic. Let’s talk about it openly so that women can learn to arm themselves mentally and know what to do if (heaven forbid) they’re ever put in that situation.

Surviving rape is probably one of the most challenging things that a woman can go through. But by actively seeking out positive support, you can go from survivor to thriver.

Things to Remember & Things That’ll Help:

• Blame: It’s not your fault & nothing you did or didn’t do will ever justifiy a rape.
• Trust: It may be hard for you to get close to others, but in time, you will be able to. Don’t let some asshole screw up your future relationships. It’s not worth it.
• Control: After this bad experience, you probably feel vulnerable and like you’re not in control of your life. You are! Build up your self-confidence again by concentrating on the things you can readily control like your diet – hit the gym regularly and eat healthy meals.
• Accept: The only way you can move forward is to accept that something bad happened to you, but you can’t let it rule your every waking minute. Accept it, but don’t dwell on it.
• Distract: Keep yourself busy doing the things you love to do (like joining a martial-arts class or learning how to cook a new vegetarian dish).
• Vent: Instead of bottling up your emotions or masking them with booze, redirect it to something positive & artistic such as oil painting, playing a musical instrument, or designing jewelry.

Resources (Because You’re Not Alone):

• Women Against Violence Against Women: http://www.wavaw.ca
• Vancouver Rape Relief & Women’s Shelter: http://www.rapereliefshelter.bc.ca
• Toronto Rape Crisis Centre: http://www.trccmwar.ca/crisis.html
• Ottawa Rape Crisis Centre: http://www.orcc.net
• Men Can Stop Rape: http://www.mencanstoprape.org
• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: http://www.rainn.org
• Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault: http://www.mocsa.org
• Pandora’s Aquarium (an online support community): http://www.welcometobarbados.org/pandoras.html

I May Wear a Size Double Zero, But I’m Not the Invisible Woman

“Real women have curves.” Do elbows and knees count? Jokes aside, that’s a loaded, unchallenged statement, and it needs to be analyzed to expose its anti-feminist messages. At first glance, it seems harmless, but I’m going to tell you why I think it needs to be revised, and why this statement is a big “Glock You!” to women everywhere.

My opinion may not be commonly held, but sometimes it’s important to stand up for something you feel strongly about regardless if you have support or not.

The problem I have with the widely-accepted statement is that it makes a myriad of sweeping assumptions and commits the same crime it condemns. (Don’t worry. I’m going to unpack these thoughts and wrap them in red bows.)

We live in a weight-conscious world with sensationalist (not sensational) shows like The Biggest Loser and More to Love. Many women are unfortunately disappointed with the way they look and feel that they need to go on diets.

Sadly, these yo-yo, rollercoaster diets are nothing more than money-making schemes that prey upon the vulnerable and leave them feeling worse off.

“Real women have curves” is supposed to empower women to love their bodies in all their overweight glory even if they don’t resemble the rail-thin supermodels on the catwalk.

Most women in North America aren’t a size 2 like your typical model. I did some online research (and while there is some debate over the exact number), the most-commonly reported average is size 12.

While I’m all for bolstering the fragile ego, we are forgetting something here: some women are naturally thin, some are a size zero, some are scrawny, some are flat-chested, some have boyish hips, and yes, some are also suffering from eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia.

But are they not all (real) women, too?

To shut out this important demographic is a slap in the face that rests on the assumption that women are to be defined merely by the shape of their bodies. And in this case, a ‘real woman’ must have boobage, hips, and a bootylicious behind.

People are often quick to make the following assumptions, too. Thin women:

• are generally healthier compared to those who are overweight
• hit the gym regularly
• count calories, watch what they eat, or have ‘issues with food’

Time to glock an assumption right now. Thin people aren’t necessarily healthier than bigger individuals. It’s more about proportion and lipid distribution. I’ve read about super-skinny people having loads of fat around their vital organs. And there are definitely a lot of larger people who don’t stuff their face and who do have very active lifestyles. You can’t necessarily extrapolate an individual’s health by the number on the bathroom scale alone unless you only consider extreme cases like the 50-lb. woman or the 1-ton man.

Having been slender my entire life, I have first-hand experience of people asking me how I stay slim. It’s pretty amusing when they find out that I don’t actually exercise as much as they think, and that I eat whatever I want whenever I want. To their dismay, they realize that my body type is due to my high metabolism and genetics.

And when people find out that I’m a vegetarian, fuck, they just have a field day with that! “Eat a hamburger to fatten yourself up”, “Plants have feelings, too”, or “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you like the taste of meat?” Then they attribute my thinness to vegetarianism and have a Eureka Moment that makes them feel smart for a few nanoseconds.

Not so fast, slugger.

I’ve been a vegetarian now for over a year, but I’ve been thin my whole life. Don’t believe me? I have my school pictures to prove it. (And just to get this out in the open, I loved eating meat…until I watched this documentary called Earthlings. Also, it’s funny, but I eat more now as a vegetarian than I ever did when I enjoyed meat. One more ball I’d like to hit out of the park is that vegetarians don’t actually just eat vegetables – we’d starve. But I suppose that’s another rant about misconceptions for another entry.)

Once a co-worker saw me going for my second slice of cake at the company potluck and said something like, “Where does all the food go to with those hollow legs?”

He wasn’t meaning to be rude, and it was actually his way of showing that he was impressed with how I could pack so much food into this tiny body without growing sideways, but still…it stung pretty badly. Nobody likes being called a toothpick just like he wouldn’t appreciate it if I likened him to Shamu or commented on his thunder thighs.

Why the double standard?

But I really hate it when people comment on my weight because it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’m very self-conscious by nature. When I was a child, relatives (who I was never close with) would seem to make it a point to tell me at every single family gathering in front of everyone that I was skinny. They didn’t say it like it was a good thing – more like telling me that I was a bag of bones and Skeletor had company.

Commenting on someone’s weight is plain rude – unless you’re a doctor…well, then you’re allowed to do a lot of atypical things (like shoving a gloved finger up someone’s anus!). I’ve actually made it a point to never bring up someone’s weight unless a) they specifically ask me about it or b) it becomes a severe medical concern.

I sometimes wondered if my relatives ever thought about what they were saying and what kind of effect it would have on me later on in life. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so self-conscious about my weight if they learned to zip it on occasion.

Calling a thin person skinny can be equivalent to calling an overweight person fat. Nobody likes to be singled out for their weight – I certainly didn’t.

Alas, I digress. Going back to the “real women have curves” mantra: while it looks so nice and glossy on the surface by telling curvy gals to love what they look like, at the same time it’s ostracizing skinny and underweight women who may struggle with similar social and media pressures. Yet if we flip the coin and change the mantra to “real women are a size zero”, imagine the outcries that would follow – we’d be stoned to death by their scowls alone!

Writing a book on this topic would be all too easy – think volume 1 through 20! So I’m going to conclude here. We need to modify “real women have curves” to “real women have brains” because after everything we’ve done to fight for our rights, I believe that we should be judged (and commended!) on our intellect, wit, and skills rather than how easily we can zip up a tight Versace dress.

Disney’s The Little Mermaid: Teaching Girls to Float Instead of Swim

Disney’s The Little Mermaid is a movie that many girls enjoy watching because of the sing-along songs, colourful characters, and generous sprinkling of humour throughout.

It’s definitely one of my favourite Disney movies even today. That being said, it’s not without faults, especially when you place it on the slide under the feminist microscope and look beneath the surface.

The Little Mermaid shares a common plot with other animated films geared toward girls: an attractive and good-natured female protagonist (Ariel) falls hopelessly in love with the man of her dreams and will do anything to snatch the suckah and live the happily-ever-after life. (This is the whole Noah’s Ark Syndrome that I discussed in an earlier post.)

At face value, it’s a sugary-sweet tale of how true love exists and how it overcomes everything – even a giant Ursula with all the powers of King Triton (Ariel’s father)! But beauty is skin deep – let’s get to the interesting ugly side, shall we?

Under the Sea

Yes, movies are for entertainment purposes, but I’m a strong believer that everything contains political messages and that it’s all a matter of whether you look for them or not. So let’s keep our eyes peeled like a banana because even subtle things can have a profound impact.

First, please watch this short YouTube clip that includes the song Poor Unfortunate Souls from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. I’ll discuss some alarming points of interest after.

Now for my observations!

Exhibit A: “The solution to your problem is simple. The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself.” (Ursula, 1:09)

Analysis: What Ariel wants is the Prince who apparently is “quite a catch”. And according to the the sea witch, she can only attract his attention by compromising herself – trading in her mermaid tail for a pair of legs. Why she doesn’t ask Ursula to use her powers to transform the guy into a merperson and live with her in the sea is still a question mark for me. Seems like there is the automatic assumption that she must change for him.

Exhibit B: “And I fortunately know a little magic. It’s a talent that I always have possessed. And dear lady, please don’t laugh, I use it on behalf of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed – pathetic.” (Ursula, 1:55)

Analysis: As she says “miserable, the lonely, and depressed”, she summons a figure of a scrawny male and a chubby female from her bubbling cauldron. This visual teaches children horrible lessons on body image. Basically it says that if you are over or under the average weight, you are a ‘poor unfortunate soul’ that needs help and only a miracle can fix you.

Exhibit C: “Poor unfortunate souls in pain…in need. This one longing to be thinner. That one wants to get the girl. And do I help them? Yes indeed.” (Ursula, 2:10)

Analysis: While the lyrics definitely show more emphasis on ‘fixing’ the physical attractiveness of the female more so than the male, the visual balances things off. When Ursula snaps her fingers, the female becomes slender and the guy becomes Mr. Beefcake 2009.

Apparently all that’s involved in finding a girlfriend/boyfriend is your looks. This part tells us to forget conversations or sharing similar interests – the only way to hook up is all superficial. If only things were so easy – interesting how we’re so willing to believe that all our problems can be solved merely by changing our appearance. (Plastic surgery, as popularized in the media, definitely paints this message in red, but that’s an opinion I have that I’ll save for another post.)

Exhibit D: “Before the sun sets on the 3rd day, you’ve got to get dear old Princey to fall in love with you – that is, he’s got to kiss you…not just any kiss – the kiss of true love! If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the 3rd day, you’ll remain human permanently. But if he doesn’t, you’ll turn back into a mermaid, and you belong to me.” (Ursula, 3:05)

Analysis: Ursula implies that being a human is what Ariel should strive to be because it’s better than being a mermaid. If we unpack this thought and stretch it a little like Gumby, it’s almost like saying how women are expected to conform to the male normative because its of a higher, respected status.

Also, Ursula makes the assumption that true love is shown through public displays of affection rather than other actions. There’s nothing wrong with kissing (it’s fun!) but why is this the only legitimate way for the Prince to prove his love of Ariel to the sea witch? Physical love doesn’t equal true love all the time.

Exhibit E: “If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again.” (Ariel, 3:40) “That’s right, but you’ll have your man. Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?” (Ursula, 3:45)

Analysis: What does this tell us? Getting the man you want involves huge sacrifices that can cut you off from other important and healthy relationships.

Exhibit F: “You’ll have your looks – your pretty face! And don’t underestimate the importance of the body language…The men up there don’t like a lot of blabber. They think a girl who gossips is a bore. Yet on land it’s much preferred for ladies not to say a word. And after all, dear, what is idle babble for? Come on, they’re not all that impressed with conversation. True gentlemen avoid it when they can. But they dote and swoon and fawn on a lady who’s withdrawn – it’s she who holds her tongue who gets a man.” (Ursula, 4:26)

Analysis: Whoa, right? The payment Ursula demands is Ariel’s voice, and she blatantly says that men aren’t interested in what women have to say, so they may as well be mute.

The message presented here is that guys are far more likely to fall in love with a woman’s looks than her intellect and that if you want a man, ladies, you have to stifle self-expression and expect to be treated as a sex object.

And those were all from just that one short clip!

But of course, Disney isn’t stupid – they also have some parts that appeal to feminists. For instance, in Part of Your World, Ariel sings about female empowerment, wanting to learn more about the things around her, and feeding the ambition to strive for better things in life.

The next time you watch a Disney movie (or any movie, really), watch for these types of messages, and you might just be surprised what seemingly-innocent films are teaching kids!

(I probably won’t get a chance to write another blog entry before July 1st, so I’ll take this time now to wish my fellow Canadians a Happy Canada Day! And for my American readers, hope you have a great 4th of July! All others, enjoy your day, and thanks for visiting. Please come back again soon!)

Featured Feminist: Elsie MacGill (Queen of the Hurricanes)

For those times when we want to fold like a bad poker hand, we desperately need inspiration to help us realize that we can pull ourselves out of the quicksand.

Inspiration can hit you between the eyes when you’re not looking (or even when you are). And now it’s gonna be aiming for you. Don’t worry – it won’t hurt. Actually, it’ll feel really good. And it doesn’t reek of rotten tomatoes.

I’d like to introduce you to the latest addition to Glockoma. Featured Feminist is a section I’ll use to post true stories about modern women and famous women in history who exemplify what feminism is all about. This will include writers, inventors, politicians, and  musicians, just to name a few. Feminist messages that help the women’s movement advance are everywhere if you look for them.

Since I believe in a school of feminism that encourages the involvement of and interaction with men, you’ll sometimes read about feminist men in the Featured Feminist section. This is very important to me because in all forms of media, we’re shown male chauvinist pig after male chauvinist pig – it gets more tiresome than a drunk pick-up line.

Let’s get to our very first profile!

Elsie MacGill

Nickname: Queen of the Hurricanes

Birthday: March 27, 1905

Birthplace: Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)

Claim to Fame: First woman in the world to design an airplane

Why You Should Care: She paved the path for many women in a field that is traditionally dominated by men. During WWII, she developed, designed, and tested aircraft as an aeronautical engineer.

And, according to Wikipedia,  she was the first woman to achieve a lot of other impressive things, too:

• 1927 – First Canadian woman to earn her electrical engineering degree (University of Toronto)
• 1929 – First woman in North America to earn her masters degree in aeronautical engineering (University of Michigan)
• 1938
  • First woman elected to corporate membership in the Engineering Institute of Canada
  • First woman to hold the position of Chief Aeronautical Engineer (Canada Car and Foundry)
• 1946 - First woman to be the Technical Advisor for the International Civil Aviation Organization
• 1947 - First woman to chair a UN committee (She was the chairperson for the United Nations Stress Analysis Committee.)
• 1953 - First woman outside the United States to be named Woman Engineer of the Year by the American Society of Women Engineers (She also was made an honourary member.)

Some Other Awards & Recognition

• 1941 – Gzowski Medal from the Engineering Institute of Canada for her paper entitled Factors Affecting the Mass Production of Aeroplanes
• 1967 – Centennial Medal from the Canadian government
• 1975 – Amelia Earhart Medal from the Ninety-Nines
• 1979 – Gold Medal from the Ontario Association of Professional Engineers
• 1983 – Inducted into Canada’s Aviation Hall of Fame

Why I Consider Her a Feminist

All of the above already indicates that she’s clearly a fighter who came ready with her boxing gloves. And I bet they weren’t pink.

Well, there’s more to the story that illustrates her strong drive to succeed despite the obstacles.

Case in point: the doctors told her that most likely she’d be wheelchair-bound for the rest of her life after she got polio. But did she take the news sitting down? No. Instead, she taught herself how to walk with the support of metal canes.

And doctoral studies weren’t cheap. Don’t think that she got handouts for her education. During that time, Elsie MacGill financially supported herself by writing articles for magazines about planes and flying.

Why She’s Known as the ‘Queen of the Hurricanes’

When she worked for Canada Car and Foundry, she was chosen to build the Hawker Hurricane fighter aircraft for the Royal Air Force. She also came up with new ideas for how to winterize the aircraft.

Elsie MacGill Was a Feminist Activist

In the 1960s, she focused on women’s rights issues and was the president of the Canadian Federation of Business and Professional Women’s Clubs. In 1971, she received the Order of Canada for her work as a member of the Ontario Status of Women’s Committee.

(The Order of Canada was concieved in 1967 to “[recognize] the achievement of outstanding merit or distinguished service by Canadians, through life-long contributions in every field of endeavour, and who made a major difference to Canada, as well as the efforts made by non-Canadians who have made the world better by their actions.”)

Elsie MacGill seems to have been a proud and vocal feminist, which I think is important. She was quoted saying, “I have received many engineering awards, but I hope I will also be remembered as an advocate for the rights of women and children.”

It frustrates me when some women are afraid to call themselves a feminist because they’re too lazy to deal with any societal backlash to the often-stigmatized label. Kudos to the Queen of the Hurricanes for not shying away. May we all be so brave.

Canada’s Next Top Model: Silence Is Golden, But Speaking Up Is Platinum

Canada’s Next Top Model taught me that fashion usually is the one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. It’s art, so interpretations run more rampant than sex scandals in Tinsel Town. And when it comes to the outlandish visions, trying to rationalize the irrational is like asking a mule to procreate.

But sometimes fashion isn’t just all fun and games – someone gets hurt. Most often, it’s the models who are taught that faking it ’til you make it is the mark of a true professional. (Here’s a novel concept: how about being genuine in a plastic world?)

Oh yeah, the life of a model is so glamourous. Their bodies are scrutinized by agencies under perfection’s microscope, they have to shove their feet into shoes that are much too small, and all the while they must smile and pretend like they’re having the time of their lives. Beauty is pain? Beauty is ugly.

With all that being said, I still really enjoy keeping up-to-date on shenanigans in the fashion world. What can I say? I’m drawn to eccentricity and the abstract because I’m wary of anything that’s simple or clear-cut.

Canada’s Next Top Model is one of the CTV shows I tune into weekly because a) it supports homegrown ‘talent’, b) I dig Jay Manuel (he always looks airbrushed), and c) I enjoy watching the creative candor at photoshoots.

Hear No Evil. See No Evil. Speak No Evil.

Well, Tuesday’s show hit a feminist nerve. As usual, each model got her hair styled and her make-up done, but what was different this time around was the finishing touch – a piece of duct tape over her mouth!

Really? After all these years, the fashion industry is still spreading the pathetic and hopeless message that women should be seen and not heard? Well, glock that! I am woman. Hear me roar!

Mouth to Mouth Resuscitation

And while I think Jeanne Beker is usually smart-as-a-whip, right on the money, and should be related to The Joker with a mouth like hers, she fell off the mark and into a pail of pig’s blood when she verbally defended the keep-quiet concept at the judging panel.

Deep down inside, I’m sure she knows that taping someone’s mouth shut is never empowering or about the challenge of “smiling with your eyes” – it’s about telling females everywhere that what they say accounts for very little, so they should just pretend like everything’s okay, look pretty, and pose for the camera. Way to cheapen women’s thoughts like souvenir shops in tourist attractions.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Becoming Jon Minus Kate Plus 8

Rocky road bars are delicious and easy to prepare. Rocky road marriages are bitter and hard to survive.

Who would know better than Katie and Jonathan Gosselin? Their relationship was broadcast for all the world’s critical eyes to see on what is now one of TLC’s hottest reality shows – Jon & Kate Plus 8. As if having eight children wasn’t enough stress!

You’d have to be living under a metamorphic rock to have not heard about the couple’s recent turbulent relationship. ET Canada, Access Hollywood, Us Weekly, and other gossip sources all planted the seed of suspicion in the air. Was Kate having an affair with her bodyguard? Who was that female Jon was seen leaving with after partying? The stories were unraveling like some cheap pants from a fly-by-night business.

I admit that prior to the reports of a crumbling marriage, I had never really watched more than a snippet of the show. But then like millions of other viewers, I fell prey to the hype beast and tuned in on May 25 to see the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Kate and Jon spoke openly about the rift in their relationship, and when asked what the future held, they both couldn’t say for certain except that they’d be there for their kids no matter what. A family torn apart. Now people were treating it like a Battle of the Sexes, and they began to pick sides.

The feminist in me noticed how quick the public immediately pointed the finger at Kate. They criticized her for being a diva because she was bossy and controlling. And some people said that she was a spotlight hog because it looked like she wanted the attention more than Jon. (If you watch any episode, you’ll notice how much more vocal she is compared to her husband, and therefore the camera is focused on her more often than Jon.)

A lot of people were quick to pounce on Kate with their claws extended. To me, she symbolizes the modern woman who’s able to fulfill the role of nurturing mother yet who still is independent and travels for her job.

Obviously what we see on Jon & Kate Plus 8 only accounts for edited moments when the cameras were rolling, so we can’t assume that we’re getting the total truth. Still, I have to say that from what I have seen, I think it’s refreshing to see a woman who’s undeniably in charge. Instead of the played-out traditional threat “Just wait until your father gets home!”, I imagine that at the Gosselin residence, it’s more like “Just wait until your mother gets home!”. That’s right – it’s the woman who lays down the law.

Sometimes she may come across as a cold and strict disciplinarian, but I believe that sometimes you have to have an iron fist. It’s not always about going to the spa and picking which colour to have your nails done. And hello, having eight kids? You have to exert tough love sometimes because if you’re a softie, they won’t just walk all over you, eight children will feel more like a stampede!

Kate has also come under another attack, which I’m going to defend. Some have said that she’s just hungry to be a TV star and doesn’t care about exploiting her kids for the sake of fame. Maybe she is the Very Hungry Caterpillar. But…maybe she was just really resourceful. Let me explain.

Imagine that you have eight children…going through hundreds of diapers, feeding those little mouths, and hearing all of them screaming and crying! Not only is it tons of work, but it costs elephant tons of money, too! I think that Kate was really resourceful when she pitched the idea for a TV show following the trials and tribulations of parents with multiples (as they call it).

I’m sure she knew what she was doing. If the crew has to film her at home, most likely they’d give her a “studio home” or spruce up her existing pad. And no doubt when a show’s successful, they’ll pay for a lot of things (e.g. transportation, food, trips, etc.). It was a very creative and clever way for Kate and Jon to be able to afford having so many kids. If not for TLC giving them so much, well, TLC, Kate and Jon’s bills would’ve taken a sledgehammer to more than just the Porcelain Piggy (i.e. the piggy bank).

Another point of interest is that Kate isn’t your typical woman portrayed on the Dick Tube (by the way, that’s what I say instead of Boob Tube). Okay, yes, she’s shown in the traditional role of a mother with a protective wing, but what’s different is that she’s not nearly as emotional as many women on TV who always seem to be crying or who are afraid about something. Kate usually has everything in check and can control her emotions.

And then there’s Jon. I’m intrigued by his quiet demeanor. Most men on TV are depicted as being loud, arrogant, obnoxious, and/or violent. But he doesn’t fall into any of those unfortunate categories. I like how he’s always calm and doesn’t look like the type who would blow up or instigate a yelling match.

Plus, I love the interesting twist of how Jon was the one who quit his day job to stay home with the kids so Kate could travel and still work to promote her book. Usually you hear more about stay-at-home moms than stay-at-home dads. It’s refreshing to see someone bringing attention to an important group that’s usually invisible in popular media (and on a hit TV show no less!).

The next time you watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, look for the things I’ve mentioned regarding their personalities. Even if the show was meant to only be candy floss for your curious mind, it surprisingly is a great longitudinal case study illustrating a strong woman and a softer man.

What do you think?

It’s Glockoma, Bitch! Is Being Nice Really a Sign of Lacking Personality?

I struggled to write and complete this blog entry because I was worried that it lacked focus and cohesion. Also, I couldn’t seem to convey a strong opinion on the chosen topic or even answer many of the questions I posed. But I’ve decided to post it anyway for what it’s worth. My thoughts may appear scattered and my prose may be clumsy, but it’s from the heart…and the middle finger. Sit up when you eat.

Ex-lovers subjecting each other to verbal lacerations that pack more bite than a provoked Pitt Bull. A gang member’s Stink Eye that tells you to back the fuck off or you’ll be missing some pearly whites and your wallet.

And then there’s the selfish bastard responsible for the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single person, along with the bruised prostitute who clings perilously to the thimble of self-esteem she has left.

Sometimes real life is so depressing that you find yourself automatically reaching for the whiskey and not noticing how god-awful it tastes. Then the bottle’s dry, and you thirst for happiness. But you’re left with a hangover.

The news is punctuated with so many stories of hatred and corruption that sometimes I think it really is a mad world. And as people, we are disgusting, taking enjoyment in digging up the dirt on others. Why do we do this? How is this adaptive? Why do we like airing out other people’s dirty laundry when we can’t even clean our own?

Hypocrisy is the new virus, and we are all infected.

Our society is drawn to negative sensation like moths to a flame – it’s like some strange addiction where we know the needle hurts, but we still need our fix.

We feast upon juicy gossip like the ridiculous Christian Bale outburst on set or the shockingly tragic way David Carradine died. Jon & Kate Plus 8 becoming Jon Minus Kate Plus 8. Susan Boyle’s hospitalization for exhaustion. Heidi Montag’s public breakdown on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! Honey, I could go on longer than the Energizer Bunny.

Is ‘Nice’ a Dish Best Served Cold?

My grade 7 teacher told the class to never use the word ‘nice’ ever again because it carries scant meaning. And when I think about it now, it’s true. Nice has become synonymous with mediocre. It’s not enough to be nice in the School of Hard Knocks. To graduate with honours, you have to make a statement that ends with exclamation marks. Stand out. Be heard. Be different.

Now it’s time to open up the can of worms…

The problem with nice people is that they’re so easily forgettable. And especially in the workplace, they’re the ones who are often overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated. You might even say that being nice is for chumps.

North American culture socializes us to ignore and even belittle the shy, quiet one. If anything, we consider them ‘boring’. Well, why do we need people to be a marching band all the time, banging drums like a 2-year-old on kitchen pots? For one, people notice the rabble-rousers more than the church mice.

We can’t ignore the Janice Dickinsons and Simon Cowells of the world. They’re strongly opinionated, rarely apologetic, stubborn as mules, and overflowing with sarcasm. With nice people, you don’t get the snippy remarks, the funny put-downs, or the Shock Factor. You get Richard Scarry’s Please and Thank You Book with a side order of humble pie.

Mean or obnoxious people have an undeniable sense of self-confidence, ooze personality, and fight to attain selfish goals without concern of whose toes they’ve stepped on. They don’t even care how often they have to lie through their coffee-stained teeth to get what they want.

Being an individualistic prick can easily be spun as being a leader, whereas shy violets are often perceived as losers. Yeah, it’s not fair, but the world isn’t fair, so if we don’t do something to bring about some balance, we’re just sucking on a lemon.

Gets Some Edjumacation

I read some snippets from this interesting book called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers by Lois P. Frankel. Apparently as girls, we picked up some bad habits (such as smiling inappropriately and presenting statements in a question) that are now impeding our chances of upward mobility at work. Basically we need to say goodbye to the ‘Nice Girl’ standard and get into the role of Assertive Woman.

Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work by Deborah Tannen is another book I want to get my hands on. Among the many key issues outlined, Library Journal emphasizes how “women say ‘I’m sorry’ without actually apologizing and tend to use an indirect manner of speech. These styles make women appear less confident, competent, and professional. However, women who learn to speak like men are accused of being aggressive and unfeminine.”

Obviously tossing out all the Rules of Lady Etiquette isn’t right, either. I’m not suggesting we clip our toenails on the subway while screaming profanities at everyone within earshot. We need to learn not just when to speak up and stand up for ourselves, but more importantly how to do it effectively. And the men out there need to learn how to listen.

Singled Out for Being Alone: The One Who Doesn’t Board Noah’s Ark

Turn on the radio at any time, and listen to five songs. Chances are that at least one was a mushy love song.

And if you’ve followed Mariah Carey’s musical career (like I have), you’ve come to the conclusion that she just can’t sing about anything besides love. (Think Vision of Love, Always Be My Baby, Dreamlover, I Stay in Love, etc.)

(Watch The Raveonette’s music video, That Great Love Sound, for a different albeit morbid/psychotic twist. They’re one of my favourites, and I really like what they’ve done in the video because it’s not what you would expect if you just heard the lyrics.)

We live in a society where walking hand-in-hand to board Noah’s Ark is considered The Right Path in Life. The increasing popularity of online dating services speaks volumes of how prevalent the love ideal is. “Find your match today!”, they say. Or, “The only thing you have to lose is your loneliness.”

The same thing I say about computers holds true for relationships – they’re only good when they work. But probably my favourite personal quotation I’ve come up with is this: “A good boyfriend is  like a good bra – supportive.”

Truth be told, love is wonderful, exciting, and all-consuming. Whenever I fall in love, I’m giddy 24/7, I can’t wipe the smile off my face, and I want to devote all my time helping that Special Someone.

But they don’t call it falling in love for nothing. Sometimes the fall is so hard and fast that we get emotional bruises – some of which we feel will never ever fade but that will just get bigger and more painful. And sometimes the scrapes leave behind scars that we pick at later on in life, only to have them bleed like brand-new injuries. (I think Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton convey this well in Crowd Surf off a Cliff. Sip some red wine with this one.)

Is One Really the Loneliest Number?

Lately I’ve been doing lots of thinking about the single life because I got out of a serious relationship a couple of days before Valentine’s Day this year and just in time to completely ruin my birthday celebration later that month. (But at least he didn’t dump me like a total dick such as the one Jon Lajoie parodies.)

He and I had been dating for over 2 years. And it was more fucking intense than being married because not only did we live together, but we worked together, too. We were practically like Siamese twins doing everything together. And we felt invincible against the glaring statistics telling us that couples who live together have lower chances of getting married.

Reality crashes down like a hailstorm of serrated daggers sometimes. Now we both live separately and alone, but we still work together (although that will change). We’re trying to salvage a friendship because we want to build bridges instead of walls, but the task is probably more overwhelming than either of us imagined.

I thought he was my soulmate. (Who else would find my insecurities charming?) But to keep my sanity, I have to retrain my brain into thinking of him as only a friend.

As a feminist, I believe that women don’t require men to be happy, but I find myself floundering in depression without the one man I truly loved, trusted, and admired. This dissonance concerns and confuses me. What should I do? How can I move on? What if I never find The One? Can I be happy as a single female?

The Balancing Act

Being single has also forced me to notice how differently single women are perceived compared to single men. And it’s not fair. But life’s not fair, and the sooner we all accept that, the sooner we can suck it up, and become stronger, smarter individuals.

Unfortunately, these are the common descriptions associated with single females versus single males:

Single Female

• Lonely
• Sad
• Shy
• Physically Unattractive

Single Male

• Independent
• Strong
• Powerful
• Confident

Why does the man come out on top? I believe that all 8 descriptions can apply to both genders. But in lots of research I’ve read while studying psychology in university, they seem to suggest that the woman often is perceived more negatively.

Married to the Mob

As I’m in my late 20’s, I find myself thinking more and more about marriage. Yes, I pictured it all – I was going to wear a black-and-crimson dress, the reception decor would have a glam Old-Hollywood/gothic theme, the guest list would be very intimate, and the DJ would spin records on a vintage phonograph. There wouldn’t be white anywhere, except for maybe the walls or plates.

But now it’s back to the drawing board. Win, Lose, or Draw…

I jumped right into a serious relationship after I ended my previous one, so it has been a long time since I’ve experienced singledom.

My heart still stings. And my eyes still get fucking flooded with tears at the drop of a hat despite me trying to keep them at bay. Is this weakness? Is this cathartic? It’s been months since the break-up, yet my emotions are as strong as Day One.

The Sweet Hereafter

Now that everything’s still raw, I’m confronting these issues:

• Source of Happiness: Why do I rely so much on other people to make me happy?
• Self-Exploration: What can I learn about myself now that I can’t ‘lean on’ someone?
• Fighting Loneliness: What can I do to keep myself busy & foster positive thinking?
• Future Relationships: How will I ever be able to trust someone again?
• Time to Say Goodbye: If he cuts me completely out of his life, will I be able to cope?
• Exciting Opportunities: How can I make the most of this time?

Here’s what I’ll be actively doing to get my life back on track:

• Applying for a new job that allows me to be creative, meet new people & acquire more skills
• Hanging out with friends more & making new ones
• Working on my humourous office-politics book & eventually attempting to have it published
• Hitting the gym to work off some steam
• Pursing new hobbies to keep myself entertained & happy
• Reducing my intake of booze – I am a hardcore tequila enthusiast, but I can’t continue to feed the flame & make my liver suffer

Hopefully if I make all these changes, in a few months’ time, I will start feeling happy and good about myself again.

Have you been through a bad break-up? How did you deal with it? Did you stoop really low before rising up? I’d love for you to share your stories with me.

Until next time, glock ’til you drop!

Getting Nailed: Bottling up Gender Stereotypes

Glockoma is just a newborn feminist blog. But with some TLC, I’ll help it grow strong enough to confront a circus of mature topics that’ll get your mind revolving like the Giant Ferris Wheel at the amusement park. I’ll burst your bubble and maybe I’ll even piss someone off.

Come fly with me on our way up, and let’s call out the scum of the Earth as we dip it low. Opinions run full circle without getting winded – I hope you can keep up.

Since the frequency of updates on my feminist blog have been lackluster, I’ve spent some time brainstorming what subjects I’d like to address in near-future posts. After a barrage of lighting bolts and some thunderstorms, I came up with a few.

Whetting Your Appetite for Upcoming Main Courses

• Singled Out - Unfair negative views of single women compared to the positive image of your typical bachelor
• Hairy Situations - Why does society expect women to be virtually hair-free when the majority of men flaunt their forests?
• Pooping Plastic - Understanding the rise of plastic surgery & its lacerations on women’s long-term self-image
• Sex Sells Sellouts - The unfortunate reliance on womanly wiles & the Casting Couch to climb the corporate ladder
• Being Nice Is a Sign of Lacking Personality - Is this statement true? Does the modern woman really need to be mean & nasty?
• A Wrinkle in Time - Investigating anti-aging products & the unreal search for the Fountain of Youth
  

Now that I have your attention, let’s get on with the show. Curtains, up! Spotlight, on! Glocks in hand!

The first thing I want you to sink your teeth into is the Big Bad Beauty Industry. It huffs and it puffs…and it shamelessly perpetuates gender stereotypes with conniving marketing tactics!

This isn’t anything ground-breaking, but if we become more conscious of it when we view their commercials and print ads, maybe we won’t be so willing to take it quietly.

But it’s too vague and overwhelming to tackle the entire beauty industry – I need to pick apart one facet. How about nail polish? Can you get down with that?

My stash is now at over 150 bottles, and I’m always reading the latest blogs to find out what the next hot shit is. Needless to say, I’m pretty passionate about nail colour!

Would You Rather Raise a Fist or a ‘Pink’y in the Air?

Browse through your local beauty store or look online. Check out the spectrum of polishes available to you. You’ll have an overwhelming number of sheer nudes, traditional pretty pinks, a heaping pile of reds or burgundies, some flirty purples, and a few beautiful blues.

Now look for yellows, greens, and dark grays. Much harder, no? The message we’re getting here is that girls and women are “supposed to” like Mommy-dearest pinks, barely-there soft colours, and/or red sex-kitten hues.

Just like TV sitcoms try to jam gender roles down our throats, the nail-polish companies seem to want to push the sales of a clear set of hues they deem ‘feminine’. Reds and pinks are their favourites. While I have nothing against those colours, I do find it a major yawn fest to see the exact same boring pink/red released in so many new seasonal collections. We’ve seen it before! At least give it a twist like a matte finish or holo glitter!

What’s interesting to note is that ever since Sephora by OPI introduced the unique mushroomy stunner last fall that was Metro Chic, female consumers simply went ballistic! The average woman actually embraced this atypical colour. Even to this day, it keeps selling out, and you’ll find pathetic peddlers trying to milk the cash cow on eBay by auctioning off bottles for profit.

Since then, nailphiles everywhere have rushed out to get China Glaze’s green-glittery Emerald Sparkle, Essie’s surprising blue-creme Mesmerize, and OPI’s taupe You Don’t Know Jacques. Even shy violets took the plunge and reveled in those crazy summer neons like Essie’s Funky Limelight! (And c’mon, we’re all seriously lusting after the rare and discontinued dark-green Zulu by NARS.)

Oh, how it’s a sign of the times! I hope we continue to see an explosion of these non-traditional  colours season after season. Whatever the impetus was for the beauty industry doing a handstand and producing them is worth investigating.

Could it be that more women are getting tired of being force-fed gender stereotypes even when it comes to the makeup they choose to wear? Maybe modern women are flipping off the cosmetic companies and demanding originality.

Ahhh…It’s a good day for feminism!

I’m Gunning for You

Check it – this feminist blog got a new layout. Where’s the badass black-and-white graphic with a menacing hailstorm of glocks and various guns? Yeah, I miss it, too. But I sacrificed it for superior blog navigation.

(Don’t worry – there will still be tons of glock/gun images sprinkled throughout.)

These days, my financial situation is tighter than this dude’s pants. Sooo…I’m using a free WordPress account until I win the lottery (not likely since I don’t buy tickets) or Warren Buffett takes pity on me and showers me with mad cheddah (again, not likely).

What does having a free WordPress account mean? I can’t modify the templates.

My previous layout had the navigation on the bottom, and it was a hot, jumbled mess. I’m pretty sure that most readers found it quite frustrating to have to scroll all the way down the page before being able to read other posts. It drove me bonkers!

While my new grassy-spring template here isn’t nearly as hardcore (Waaahhh!), I do like how everything is easily accessible on the right sidebar (e.g. calendar, archive, categories).

Now that I’m finally happy with my layout, I’m going to try to blog more often.