All I Want for Christmas Is You

This is the first Christmas without my dad. I wish he was still alive to celebrate this holiday. Not gonna lie – this season feels extremely empty for me. I hear the happy holiday tunes incessantly on the radio, and I see the people carrying shopping bags on the bus, but my heart doesn’t feel the same this year. Christmas means nothing if people you love aren’t around.

Ever since stores took down their Hallowe’en merchandise and put up Christmas goods, I felt a strong sense of loss and hurt. Why was I robbed of happiness during a season that prides itself on being the “happiest time of the year”? My dad was taken too soon, and it’s not fair. (Life isn’t fair, and the sooner we realize this, the better, but I’m still sucking on a raw lemon.)

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I’m just trying to be real. And I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels like they’re hit the hardest in December. You look everywhere and you see parents and their kids together. Every time I see a father with his daughter since my dad passed away in March, I’ve felt an undeniable rise of jealousy. It makes my chest feel tight.

Yes, I still have my mom. And I do have a brother. But the closeness I shared with my father trumps all. It’s not like losing a best friend or a boyfriend – you’ve lost ties to your roots. You’ve lost the chance to sit down with the person and reminisce the good times. You’ve lost the chance to ask for advice. You’ve lost a person who you know loves you unconditionally.

Since my dad passed away, not a single day has gone by that I haven’t thought of him. And I pray for him often because he deserves to be in Heaven. I remember the great times we spent together, his funny antics, and the way he always managed to encourage me. I remember his strength, his devotion to Catholicism, his ability to talk for hours, and how much he loved movies.

One of my co-workers who also lost her dad (but years ago) said, “It doesn’t get better, but it does get easier.”

Whenever I’m hanging out with my friends, I’ll often bring up my dad – not in the ‘I feel sorry for myself’ way. But, for instance, if someone’s talking about building their DVD collection, it just makes me think of my dad and how he was such a movie buff. I’ll start talking about my dad’s DVD collection, and how much my dad appreciated the cinematic arts. I think that by constantly bringing my dad up in casual conversation, it’s helping me preserve my memories of him. It also helps others know what a kind-hearted, loving, and great person he was.

Another weird thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes when I go to places where my dad and I went, I’ll find myself looking for him as if he’s still alive and as if he’ll just appear and say, “Hi, Mary! I missed you! I’m back!” Then I’d cry, we’d hug, and I’d be so relieved it was all a bad dream. But, of course, I never see him. And I just see strangers bustling through the mall like insects in an ant farm.

Also, I’ve had lots of wonderful dreams of my dad – new situations and not just rehashing old memories of him. I’ve even woken up with a smile on my face after many. But I haven’t had any new ones for maybe a couple of months. And in my last dream with him in it, he was telling me how he can’t stay around forever and that he has to move on to the next stage in the journey. He wanted me to be okay. And I told him that I couldn’t expect him to stick around here for me, and that I wanted him to be happy (as he deserves to be).

I miss my dad so much.

This Christmas is going to be the hardest for me and my family. I just hope it doesn’t completely suck.

Trespassers William – “Lie in the Sound”

Music gets me through everything. This is my latest obsession, and yeah, it’s an old song that speaks to me.

When Will Things Start Looking up for Me?

My life is falling to pieces. Personal and work life are horrible. I’m a strong person, but I’m really unsure if I’m strong enough to endure what I’m about to. Seems like ever since last year, I’ve been hammered down repeated with something new to stress me out.

We all worry about our inadequacies and what the future holds. For me, the future holds tough times ahead because Matty, my best friend (who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend, former roommate, and former co-worker), is leaving the country and will be living there for an indefinite period of time. We did so many things together – had fun and feuds!

He’s leaving because he doesn’t know what to make of his life, and he really hated the way things were going for him. It also doesn’t help that he has a significant amount of debt to pay off. He’ll be moving in with his parents and will try to find a new job (since today was his last day at work).

I want the best for him, but it’s hard for me because especially during this time when I’m still trying to cope with the death of my father and work is going pretty shitty, I feel like I really need him for social support. Two people have never been closer.

The last time I’ll get to see Matty is tomorrow. After that, it’ll never be the same again. Even the most exciting books you cherish come to an end.

I feel so alone.

Abandoned.

Weak.

Bitter.

Angry.

I’m certain that I’m going to bear a cross in the days ahead. But one thing I keep trying to remind myself of is that while everybody may let you down, you cannot let yourself down. Life is hard, but you have to put up with the bullshit if you want to make something of yourself.

Dear readers, I fully intend to write a proper blog post. It’s just that I’m going through a very difficult time right now. Don’t lose faith in me. I’ll return soon!

Shooting Blanks: Even Feminists Get Tired. Surprise, Surprise!

I’m tired – it’s amazing how just living life can wear someone down. One second you’re laughing and thinking that everything’s perfect and the next, you have to force a smile so people will think you’re okay and normal. (Most people can’t handle true emotional venting – they want masks.)

Things are not okay. And no matter how much booze you guzzle or how much you copiously smoke some herb, you can’t drown out the noise because it only gets louder that way.

Feminists get exhausted. We put up a good fight, but we need to rest, and the sword needs rinsing. And sometimes we’ll complain about how uncomfortable it is to sleep in our armour.

Despite Hollywood depictions of hardcore feminists who are always strong and confrontational, the real world is a different animal – it has rabies. Once bitten. Twice shy. Start foaming.

It’s important as a feminist to choose your battles wisely so that maybe you’ll have enough strength left to win the war.

I really dislike it when some people overtly test your feminist beliefs by purposely uttering misogynist bullshit just so they can elicit a strong reaction from you. It almost seems like a waste of time trying to educate someone who’ll only continue to ridicule you for petty reasons.

Standing up is great, but you have to realize when you’re facing the barrel of a gun. Is what you’re saying falling on deaf ears? If so, you need to explore various ways of getting your message across – maybe action would drive home the point.

Feminists must also learn to become better listeners. We can proclaim who we are, what we stand for, and why society must change, but if we don’t show respect and hear other people out (even when their opinions differ greatly from ours), nobody will take us seriously. And nobody will respect us. Plus how can you grow if you never challenge and/or update your own beliefs?

So I’ve been depressed for months. And the recent death of my father has really hit me hard. I’ve tried many different avenues to improve my mental state – some put me in positions where I compromised my integrity and others literally put me in compromising positions.

But I’m a believer that things will eventually look up. And I am looking up.

Still gonna glock it like it’s hot.